Where I am now? Or perhaps a better question is: How I am now? How I am now after my experience of being sexually abused by Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J.? I believe that confronting this question head-on allows me to understand that kind of person that I am now, knowing fully well my need for spiritual, psychological, and even physical healing. To a certain extent, I hope that I will also be helped as I search for healing and justice.
A Narration of My Experience of Sexual Abuse by a Jesuit Priest.
I was a seminarian when I was sexually abused by Fr. Tanseco. Part of my supposed to be preparation for the priesthood was the study of theology. For my theological studies, I go to Loyola School of Theology with San Jose Seminary as my residence. Both Loyola School of Theology and San Jose Seminary are Jesuit-run institutions.
Right after philosophical studies in St. Peter's Seminary in Antique, I went to San Jose Seminary for further formation towards the priesthood. Seminary formation at this point involves the study of theology in Loyola School of Theology. Spiritual and pastoral formation is being undertaken in San Jose Seminary where seminarians live in a community.
I was supposed to be formed as a priest in the seminary because that
is what a seminary is for. But I left the seminary deformed and damaged
as a person. Ultimately, my experience of sexual abuse by a Jesuit priest led
to the loss of my faith.
A priest is supposed to be a spiritual guide leading people closer to God. A priest is supposed to be a moral guide leading people to live moral lives. From my experience of sexual abuse from Fr. Tanseco, I can only think of this priest and Jesuit as the epitomy of moral decay in the Catholic Church. He represents an anomaly and a scandal that goes beyond the imagination of a rational mind. He is a concrete manifestation of how a devil can look like an angel, and even put on a religious garb. Fr. Tanseco is involved in family ministry and counseling. His work involves fixing people's live. But he destroyed mine. He started the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) and now it is named Fr. Ruben M. Tanseco, S.J. Center for Family Ministries (RMT-CEFAM). For me, this is an anomaly, if not a hypocrisy.
I am a deeply hurt person, a deeply damaged person. The psychological, emotional, spiritual and moral wounds are deep enough to ignore. As I would always say, the wealth of the Jesuits would not be enough for me to recover what I lost. I still have a hard time understanding this tragic event in my life. I know that the road to healing is long. I just hope to be accorded the necessary assistance.
My experience of sexual abuse by somebody like Fr. Ruben Tanseco, S.J. has eventually taken its toll on me. It has resulted to a personal crisis beyond my comprehension. It has resulted to a deep spiritual crisis that led me away from the Church. I became an alienated person, alienated from my real self, alienated from the Church, alienated from God. I feel sad to think of how broken and damaged I am as I scramble for a way to understand what happened to me and view it from a perspective that is better from how I view it now. A victim of sexual abuse like me endures a lifetime of brokenness.
Note: This blog is a prelude to a memoir I intend to publish as a book in due time. It is a work in progress... More details will be narrated as I continue writing..
